The Complete Guide To Hobbits
by ElijahWood4eva
Summary: Ever wanted a hobbit of your own? Click here for the complete guide to our new mailorders!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 5: The love of being a Head

A/N: I own no HP peoples

The days lessons where the usual type stuff but with about 4 times as much homework. After my last lesson, transfiguration I was walking up the marble stair case and I tripped sending my entire contents of my overstuffed bag strewned all over the floor. I was trying to collect all the quills that where now spread over a 20 foot radius when

" Granger, what the heck did you do?" I looked up, of course, it was Malfoy, clearly heading up to the heads common room. I waited for him to say something snide and nasty or even kick me but the strangest thing happened

" Geez you shouldn't be taking all these classes, here I'm going up to the common room, let me take those books." he said. I stared at him for a second and managed a very thin lip smile

" Uh, thanks ferret boy."

" Whatever, Mudblood." He said and headed up the stairs. figures, For a second there I thought he was being genually nice. Maybe the draft that professor derifine ( The professor who'd substituting for snape while he's doing things for the order) had made got to his head. Probably. I walked up to the portrait of unitilia and said our password . When I walked in I saw Malfoy looking at the bulletin board and my books thrown onto the floor

" There's your books Granger." He said not taking is eyes of the board

" Malfoy what are you looking at." I walked over to the bulletin board. There was a little new sign tacked onto the board

Halloween Ball

In light of a new year at Hogwarts and of Halloween the teachers and I have decided to through a ball for all you youngsters.

Note to prefect: You will have the night off, go along as you wish

Note to heads: You will not have the night off, for information on where you will be patrolling see professor Dumbledore

the dress and tux barn will arrive October 18 and will leave the night before Halloween.

Oh joy the many loves of being a head girl. On a night where Harry could have finally asked me out and I would have gotten a pretty dress and everything I get to patrol the corridors, outside fountain, and the great hall itself with Malfoy and I can't even get a dress. Malfoy didn't seem to pleased at it either

" So Malfoy... I guess this means you can't dance with your fat ugly girlfriend after all." I said trying to smirk, I was still thinking about Harry.

" So granger... I guess this means you'll have to wait longer for Potter to notice you." He said returning my smirk.

" How did you kn... I mean never... how?" His smirk broadened

" Oh do you not think I noticed all those little flirty things you do around him, I mean for god sake he wouldn't notice you if you jumped into his lap, but if he saw the way you can dance well then he'd be all over you.." He said more to himself then to me. I could not believe he had the nerve to say that but I had to ask him

" Are you serious, I've been that obvious? and what about my dancing?" I said sure whether to be offended or complimented.

" You see granger, he knows it and he doesn't like you period, now don't get all mad at me I heard he had planed to ask Ginny weasley far before he even knew you weren't able to go to the dance, and that's the honest truth and if you don't believe me ask weasley's sister." he said

" Oh I will but gosh why wouldn't he like me, I mean I'm nice to him right, oh this makes me so mad, I have to do some things before dinner ferret boy so see you later." and I left the portrait hole. To tell the truth I didn't believe a word that came out of that stupid ferrets mouth and I was putting him on about being mad at Harry, but I knew some gryfinndorrs where in the library so I decided to do some detective work.

A/N: Allrighty then, read and review this story and then I'll be a happy person


	2. Chapter 2

a/n i own no lotr stuff but my guide is certified! ...by me

Chapter 2 : Preparation

Good! You've decided to get one. You now will have to prepare a room for your little hobbit.

Find a room in your house that is small but cozy. Put in round windows and make the ceiling lower. If your a lazy bum, make the floor Higher. You will need a crib that's fool-proof, for your hobbit might look dumb and well he might be dumb too, but he can always escape. NOTE: DO NOT LEAVE ANY POINTY OBJECTS IN THERE ROOM, IT WILL FACINATE THEM, ESPECIALLY CODE 3: AKA PIPPIN, AND IT CAN LEAD TO WORLD-WIDE TERROISM.

Now choosing other furniture can be quite easy. You need a dresser that only go's 3 ft off the ground and you'll need a desk with a roll-around chair, preferably with lots of books ( see tips on books later in chapter).

The harder options will be your carpeting and paint. With paint you need to go to Lowe's or Home Depot and look for the Middle earth color swatches ( Across from the Disney collection and next to the Lizzie McGuire paint options). A few of the select hues are good for most hobbits. " Shire Mellow", " Rosie's cotton, Bagend Brown, Into the West yellow, Frodo's blue eyes, and " Apples From Farmer Maggot." Avoid any Middle earth colors from the limited edition " Mordorian Cheer" or " Isengard Bliss" such as " Ring of fire red" or " Orc", they will make your hobbit very scared and will turn them evil eventually. Carpeting I would advise you use the same hues, but a bit darker, Hobbits are VERY messy.

Books we advise having in your hobbit room should be fun but learned. Things like " The Shire: My only home" "There and Back Again: A Hobbits Tale" " What I see in the West" " My Love of Elves" " How to be a Master Cook: I always Brought my Seasonings" and " The Lord of the Rings".

Let see, you've prepared your family and a room, oh yes, we also would advise you start buying food from a bulk store. With normal little Babies, they start to eat regular food gradually, with hobbits, they could eat 5 pound of cheese and a six pack of suds by the time there delivered.

Note: We also advise, if they don't mention it, Not to give your hobbits alcoholic beverages ( Again, the pointy object mixed with drunkenness, world-wide terrorism). Some of the models will demand pints until your ears fall off, so you might not have a choice, but again, it is best to give them none.

OK, it seems you've prepared all you can, you're order will be here soon!


	3. Chapter 3

a/n; i own no lotr stuff

Chapter 3: Identification and arrival date

Yes yes yes, some of the hardest parts of having a hobbit is figuring out witch one is witch. Below I give you a little diagram.

Frodo: Is a fairly small hobbit with dark brown curly hair and piercing blue eyes and paleish skin. NOTE: If your daughter is swooning, its Frodo!

Sam: is a round hobbit who will ask you about cooking up some coney stew. He has a big smile and brownish-blond hair.

Pippin: Looks very sweet and innocent. If you are not able to identify, you'll know it pippin if all your cheese is gone and select items are smashed. Has curly brown hair, a cute, funny accent, and a mischievous but none the less adorable smile.

Merry: Will always be asking for Pippin. Is slightly taller then your average hobbit, thanks to the ent wash. Has a mix of brownish-blondish-light brownish hair, a round nose, and a chin you fall in love with.

NOTE: If your hobbit is nothing like this, its not a big deal UNLESS it starts mumbling in black speech and stealing all the shiny and pointy objects from your house. Then you MUST dispose of it. ( Again, World-wide terrorism)

I Hope I've given you enough to work with. If you have any questions about the identity of you hobbit, just call 1-800-MYPOORUNIDENTIFIEDHOBBIT

When you send your application in and you get a phone call, our services will tell you what the arrival date will be. On that day, wake up extra early and you will see a humongous box on your doorstep. Don't bring it in you r house, just open it outside. The hobbit has never been exposed to sunlight, so when you open it, it might scream, cry, shriek, and curl into fetal position, that's all normal. The first word you say to them must be " I'm ( Your name) and this is my family, ( Names) and you are ( Hobbits name) aren't you. Pippin will be confused, Merry will be looking for Pippin, Sam will be hungry, and Frodo, well with Frodo, all things are possible. If you ordered 2 hobbits, beware of the mix of Pippin and Merry, again, the word-wide terrorism thing! Make them familiar with there surroundings. I'll tell you, the trick with any hobbit is give them a good book, a good bed and good food and they'll love you. Put them to sleep at around 6 o'clock that night, they need a good night sleep.


	4. the real chap 1 ignore other 1 !

A Big person's Guide To Everyone's Favorite Little People

Chapter 1: INTRODUCTION

When you first decide to get a hobbit, you need to talk it over with your family. The hobbits will become protective of you ( The parents) and will plot evil ways on getting rid of the opposing siblings. We advise you don't tell your mothers and fathers they have grandkids, on the fear that they take you seriously. Having a hobbit is a great responsibility, they require love and care, uh constantly.

NOTE: If you choose to order a hobbit, and it comes defaulty ( Either dead or has habits of biting people, selling your valuables, or smelling moldy cheese) The S.H.I.R.E. ( Sanitizing Hobbits Into Respectable Elders) Committee is not responsible for broken limbs, burns, or any other Hobbit-inflicted injuries or losses.

We hope you'll make the right decision concerning your favorite furry friends. If you have any questions you can call 1-800MYHOBBITHASPROBLEMS.


End file.
